You will, you are and always will be in my fairytale.

Start Growing Up.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009 12:53 AM

Somehow i feel that i may be in the wrong. I feel guilty, i feel rather wasted. For this whole year, i just feel like there's nothing right that im doing. Except, to know him, his family, rukki and my PW mates. Not really had the chance to say it to them face to face out of awkwardness, but it's something that's heartfelt.
Today, i did something which i never expected i would do, and have never done it for quite a long time, which is to disobey. Many a times, i've lived under her care like a child, though im already like 17. To some, this may seem like a bless as they do not have their mothers around to care for them, be it due to work or some other reasons. I really appreciate her nice gestures of arranging and preparing everything for me, and thinking for me thoughtfully. But i need to grow up and step out to start making decisions of my own.
As time goes by, i have changed. Like what other people say, as you grow older, you will tend to have different opinions from your parents due to outside influences. I feel that its rather useless to say whether these are good or bad as im not one to judge.
I feel rather empty, rather hateful towards her at some point of time, for not being the one to give me freedom when that was what she promised me since the start of this year. I don't blame her for worrying about me though she expressed it in the wrong way, because i know from her tone of her voice that she sincerely did.
What i realised was that, all these while, her thoughtful preparations were somewhat one-way. On the phone, she never really listened intently or with purpose. She will just say whats on her mind, and just hang up by saying that she's busy. What about me? Has she ever thought that i might not want that? Though partly im to blame for being rather indecisive in decisions, but the least she could do when there are misunderstandings, is to clearup. Just like today, i told her A but she thought otherwise and started yelling over the phone IMMEDIATELY. Was i to blame for such a minor thing? Even the second late night call was like this. I never got to say what i got to. At the end of the day, both of us will just end up staring with each other at night, with me giving her a black face and attitude at night, and her, ending up being the nice one. All i could do next was to feel bad silently inside. I don't want this. I hate this infact. I want real freedom. Not just conditions attached like mindful reminders that shouts "i dont trust you" in your messages. You told me that i was unclear about my presentation. But after knowing me for like 17 years, do you still not have an idea of how i behave normally? Needless to say, every mother has to understand their child, why they do what they are not supposed to do and to teach them the right way. But before this, at least learn to listen and be patient enough. Plain saying isn't going to work, i hope you know that.
Don't really wanna care much. I just wanna focus on my studies. Score super satisfactory grades, and thats it. Is that what i should do in exchange for more freedom and a better attitude from you?
Im not trying to compare her with others'. It's just that sometimes i see some other mothers, their way of treating their child, for example, him. It's just so different. I understand that he's a guy. But his mother still dotes on him and respects him as a whole.
I really find it hard to communicate with her now. I hope this isn't for forever.

-Sometimes mothers who wish the best for you don't know how to express it. They may be a little naggy or what, but they know the best. They do this by repeating their expectations time and again, or by forcing it down on you. It's not their wrong. But somehow they made it this way that makes us frustrated.

I will wait

If my heart was a compass, you'd be North (:

Believe me

Joline
26 September
CCPS; BSS; CJC
Loves chocolate, greentea icecream & waffles

Playlist

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Another way

shuyi
felicia
jialeng
joemin
szeping
christel
tracy
andre
kassandra
jasmine
yuxian
tedra

Wish upon a star

New schoolbag/backpack
Home-cooked food everyday
Save up(Y)
Move house!
Think of a fixed aspiration by the end of 2010.